Pregnancy is nine months of the unknown. Each pregnancy is different, and so you will never quite know what to expect. You may find that you have good days and bad days, or you manage to experience almost every possible, horrid pregnancy symptom out there. One thing that is certain though, is that these 13 things will never happen during pregnancy:
#1: You Will Glow From The Moment You Find Out You Are Pregnant
This definitely won’t happen because that pregnancy glow you hear so much about, is really a small window of good skin and shiny hair hidden amongst nine long months of eye bags, excessive sweating and flatulence. You will likely spend the first trimester doubled over your toilet, and the rest of the pregnancy trying to hide your double chin on photos. When people do say you that you have the glow, you will eye them suspiciously and decide they can’t be trusted.
#2: You Will Avoid All The Rubbish Symptoms Of Pregnancy
You know your friend who sailed through pregnancy without so much as a pimple? Yeah, she was a one off. In fact, you’ll be suffering from every symptom she avoided, so that’s twice the suffering for you. You may occasionally, if you’re lucky, manage the odd day without noticing a symptom, but mostly you will be jumping between nausea, headaches, fatigue and backache. Pregnancy is not so much something to be enjoyed, but endured in your case.
#3: People Will Comment On How Your Bump Looks To Be The Perfect Size For Your Gestation
Ha. If only such a thing were true. In reality, you will probably make it through to your due date without anyone commenting on your bump in such a supportive and sensitive way. Friends and strangers alike will be clambering over each other to reach you, just so they can tell you how huge you are. Then the next day, others will tell you how frighteningly small your bump is. Then how they are sure you’re carrying twins. Then how you don’t even look pregnant.
#4: People Will Tell You Stories About Positive Birth Experiences
Wouldn’t that be lovely? If the people who came over to compliment the perfection of your bump size, then went on to share beautiful positive birth experiences with you. It won’t happen though. In fact, not only will you go the duration of the pregnancy without hearing so much as a natural birth story, you’ll also be inundated with chapters for your upcoming book ‘Birth Stories From Hell’. People will come down with bad birth story diarrhoea around you, and be unable to keep the stories in. Everywhere you go, you’ll be greeted with tales of traumatising births and forgotten birth plans.
#5: People Will Keep Their Advice To Themselves
If only. You will soon learn that everyone is an expert in pregnancy and babies, even those who have never been pregnant or had babies. People will comment on the food you eat, the exercise you take and the things you do. Before the baby is even born, people will be offering you advice on how to get your baby to sleep, and you may as well get used to it, because this will continue long into toddlerhood.
#6: You Won’t Have To Lift A Finger For The Whole Nine Months
Ideally, you would probably like to spend your pregnancy resting, reading pregnancy and baby books, and going to the occasional prenatal yoga class. In reality, you are likely to be lugging your vacuum cleaner up the stairs at nine months pregnant, all in the name of nesting. You’ll also probably still be carting heavy boxes around at work, and rearranging your sofas at home. If it’s your first pregnancy, you may get the odd chore-free day to relax, but if you have older children, forget it.
#7: You Will Feel Calm and Confident About Your Mothering Abilities
What you want, is to potter through pregnancy safe in the knowledge that you will be the greatest mother ever to grace the earth. In reality, however, you will feel very fragile about your abilities, even sobbing sometimes because you are terrified that you’re simply not mother material. What if you don’t love your child enough? What if you drop her? Or leave her at the supermarkets by accident? Don’t worry though, your brain is very clever (even if you don’t realise it!). When pregnant, your brain is busy brewing a concoction of hormones which make you fall in love and protect your baby. At BellyBelly, we call it the mummy margarita. So rest assured, mother nature has it in her plans for you to be an amazing, protective mamma bear… but not until you’ve endured nine long months of self doubt and fear. Trust your instincts and don’t let your ‘overthinking’ brain take over.
#8: Your Partner Will Always Know Exactly What To Say
During this time of hormone-induced emotional upheaval, what you really need is be followed around by a trained counsellor who knows exactly what to say to help you feel better. But you don’t have that, you have your partner. Whilst your partner will be trying their very best to soothe you, he or she will most probably leave you feeling worse most of the time. Because, dammit, why can’t he or she just tell from your facial expressions that what you really want right now is choc chip, cookie dough ice-cream, while you curl up on the couch in front of the television, with a doona and a box of tissues (because ads make you cry), while you watch re-runs of The Bold and The Beautiful? Your partner should know by now. And then, as you burst into tears because your partner can’t figure out what you want or need, he or she will probably drop the H-bomb and blame it on your hormones.
#9: You Will Sleep Eight Hours A Night For The Entire Pregnancy
If pregnant women could wish for anything (healthy baby and easy birth aside), they would most probably wish for this. A long, uninterrupted sleep every night for the whole nine months. Of course, it won’t happen. You’ll probably spend the first three months needing to pee, feeling nauseous or your mind will be going into overdrive, leaving you sleepless instead. In the second trimester, your bump starts to get in the way, leaving you unable to get comfy. The final trimester of wakeful nights will be spent on the toilet, feeling excited and terrified in equal measure, and struggling to get comfortable with all the aches and cramps. Joy.
#10: You Will Have Sex Dreams About George Clooney
Ha, yeah right. Don’t worry, you’ll have the sex dreams, and they will be scarily vivid, but they won’t be about George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling. Nope, they’ll be about your brother-in-law, your boss, and the woman who works in your local corner shop. Oh, did I mention that they will be really vivid? And a bit weird. You will probably spend the rest of your pregnancy feeling gross and freaking out that you’re a complete and utter perv. Also, you’ll never be able to look the woman in the corner shop in the eye EVER again. In fact, you’ll probably want to change shops.
#11: You’ll Still Be Able To Maintain Your Active Social Life
You’re probably one of those women who won’t let pregnancy stand in between her and a good night out. Oh wait, nope, sorry, you’re one of the women who spend every Saturday evening in unflattering pyjamas at home. On the rare occasion you do make it out in the evening, you’ll be slumped over asleep by 8pm,mocktail in hand, as your friends do tequila shots around you.
#12: You’ll Be Able To Eat For Two And Get Away With It
You know that old saying, ‘eating for two?’ So, it turns out its not a good idea – nor true. While you will needsome extra calorie intake during pregnancy (moreso later in pregnancy), pigging out on extra foods containing sugar, processed wheat and other junk can leave you at risk of health problems, including gestational diabetes, heartburn, fatigue (yes, even more than you already have), problems with your moods and excessive weight gain. Most of these can all cause havoc with your birth plans when your doctor decides you are high risk.
Gees, and I thought I had been lied to when I somehow popped on over 20kgs in my first pregnancy – after all, I was a ‘real’ woman, and real women put on more weight than the ‘books’ say, right? Whoops. Find out how much pregnancy weight gain is normal here.
#13: Your Baby Will Arrive On Time
Around 3-5% of babies arrive on their due date. Yours won’t be one of them, much to your despair. But keep reminding yourself that its safest and easiest (for you and your baby) if baby arrives when he’s ready.